Funny Chuck Norris Like Status Updates:
Update your Facebook status with a Chuck Norris like joke. We've all heard Chuck Norris jokes, so why not use one as your Facebook status. You can humor your friends by updating your Facebook status with a ridiculous statement like those used in Chuck Norris jokes. Below are a few...!! Put These On Your Face-book Page or update one day- by -day.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Cancel rating
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Cancel
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.
He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Brett Favre's Agent, Bus Cook, Announces that "Brett Favre Will Play If Healthy."
This is great news for Vikings fans. Now the only piece that has to fall into place for the Vikings to Go to Dallas this year is for Favre's doctor, Doctor Andrews, to clear him for play this year. Dr. Andrews better clear Brett to play this year because if not he'll fell receive the hate of the Purple Pride community. For real, Brett Favre has undergone three ankle surgeries, I'm sure it's just sore and stiff, not a serious problem. The main priority for our offensive line this year is to Stop Julius Peppers [Bryant Mckinnie] from abusing Favre. Peppers, recently traded to the Chicago Bears, is a beast when it comes to sacking quarterbacks. We face the Bears two times this year and our offensive line, especially Bryant Mckinnie better come prepared to play some smash-mouth Football those days:Here's The 2010-2011 Schedule with My Predicted Wins And Losses. Wins are purple, Bright Red is losses [only 2], and Blue is vs The Chicago Bears:
Minnesota Vikings Schedule
9/09 Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints -Biggest game of the year, we should show them how lucky they were during that NFC Championship Game Last Year!
9/19 Miami Dolphins @ Minnesota Vikings- Automatic Win, no threats on Offense!
9/26 Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings- Automatic Win, Enough Said
Vikings Bye Week-Rest Up Boys!!
10/11 Minnesota Vikings @ New York Jets-Tough Game, But In The End Favre Delivers A Game-Winning Pass To Rice In The End-zone
10/17 Dallas Cowboys @ Minnesota Vikings- Playoff Match-Up Of Last Year, Vikings Roll Because Of Superior Defense And Pressuring Romo In The Pocket
10/24 Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers-We'll Give The Packers One Only Because They Have Home-Field Advantage!
10/31 Minnesota Vikings @ New England Patriots- Get To Brady Early On Defense, Force A Turnover And Build Momentum From There, Too Much Adrian Peterson And Favre!!
11/7 Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings- Superior Offensive And Defensive Lines We Win The Battle In The Trenches And Take The Cake!!
11/14 Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears- Brett Favre Explodes For 300 Yards And Jared Allen Gets His, Vikings Win!!
11/21 Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings- Our Defense Holds In The Second Half And We Beat The Cheese heads At Home!
11/28 Minnesota Vikings@ Washington Redskins-Donovan McNabb With No Other Weapons, Haynesworth Still Trying To Pass The Test...
12/05 Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings- No Weapons On Offense-Clear Favorites-We Steam Roll Them!!
12/12 New York Giants @ Minnesota Vikings- Too Much Eli Manning For Our Secondary To Handle, Vikings Drop One.
12/20 Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings- Peppers Is Neutralized By Mckinnie And The Vikes Outscore Them For Another Victory!
12.26 Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles- Brett Favre Is Too Good To Be Stopped And Adrian Peterson Has A Good Day!
1/2/2011 Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions- When's The Last Time We Lost To The Lions? 2007?
So, Our Main Focus for this year is to protect Favre and Keep The Turnovers To A Minimum, [that means AP has to hold onto the ball ] and our road to the playoffs and eventually the Superbowl doesn't look to hard. Now that we know that Brett is coming back if Dr, Andrews Clears Him For This Season all we can do is wait and pray for #4 to Lead us to the holy land. Last year, we had bad turnover problems in the playoffs, that was the only thing that prevented us from taking home the Lombardi Trophy. So , If we just tweak Adrian Peterson's carrying Style and Get Harvin To learn how to run out of the backfield, all the while keeping Brett Healthy The Superbowl is Ours.
This is the third time we've announced this, but this time, it may actually be permanent: Brett Favre has reportedly announced his plans to retire from the NFL.[ BS, rigamorarole, persifilage,lies, impossible, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! My Initial Reactions]!!
Favre's 19 seasons in the league have been filled with more touchdowns, interceptions, drama, retirements and unretirements than any other quarterback in NFL history. Often brilliant, sometimes frustrating, but never boring, Favre seemed to always be in the limelight, whether as Packers icon or would-be savior of the Vikings and Jets.
In Minneapolis, early this morning, The Star Tribune's Headline was "Bret Favre Announces Final Retirement."We all know about the previous two times he's announced this without any indication of coming back, that he was retired officially. We've been through the Brett Favre Roller Coaster full of tears, lies, rumors, and eventually bliss with his sudden returns. One thing that I can tell Vikings Fans truthfully from what I've heard today surronding Brett Favre is that there is as much chance that Brett Favre is actually retired as there is a chance that His Wife isn't hot!!! Slim chance, right! Everyone is skeptical of the "official retirement announcement" by the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Ryan Longwell, his teammate for nine seasons [counting this when when he comes back] has said that he talked to him yesterday and there was no indication of Favre retiring, and that he never received a text message like when he "retired" with the Jets and Packers. Has the silverfox finally succumbed to his ankle pain.stiffness and called it quit for goods? Or he he just trying to get 20 million instead of the 13 million guaranteed he has for this year like the other top quaterbacks[Tom Brady And Drew Brees]? Brett has tweeted and texted many times that his ankle is bothering him and that his ankle is the only thing that's stopping him from returning to the Vikings organization. Even at the ESPYS he declared that his ankle wasn't at the point where he wanted it. Does this mean the misery for Brett Favre and the Shoe-in Vikings this year for the Superbowl in Dallas. It is and it isn't. It is, becasue T-jack is unexperienced and not clutch in pressure situations, as displayed in the 2008 playoffs vs the Eagles[Asante Samuel 74 pick-off for a touchdown to give the Eagles the lead at Half].
Brett Favre's Ankle After Three Surgeries
Say it isn't so, oh wait it probably isn't true!
Are You Serious?Brett Favre Retirment Announcement:
Here's A Video of the live report:
Brett Favre Retiring? Playoffs? are you talking about no playoffs?!
WHY THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE!!
He's Still Alive: What else is BRETT FAVRE going to do besides play football for the Vikings and win the Superbowl. Ahh, let's see, mow his lawn with his John Deere Riding Lawn-Mower, play with his kids, Go Fishing, Watch the Vikings win the Superbowl with T-Jack, watch TV, Play golf, Go hunting for bucks, take a walk with his wife, sleep, eat steaks and grill-out, and have sex. Minus the sex part, everything on this list fails in comparison with leading the Vikes to the Superbowl!! This was the storyline for this year, "Brett Favre and The Vikings Return To Win The Superbowl After Devastating Loss to Saints." Not Brett gets pooped and quits!! You've had three ankle surgeries, I'm sure it's fine. at least give Vikings Fans some closure, For real!
He Still has pure joy for the game: I don't have to go into details on that. Everyone knows that Brett is the most entertaining player to watch in the NFL. Losing him from football is like losing Roger Federer from Tennis, Tiger Woods from Golf, John Madden from Announcing, Kobe Bryant from Basketball, Phi Jackson from Coaching, Lance Armstrong from Cycling, Michael Phelps from Swimming, and A-Rod from Baseball. What to they all have in common? They all are the respectful kings of their sport and play it with pure joy and love. There isn't a figure in sports that is more amicable than Favre. Even Green Bay Fans Still Love him unconditionally!
3. He's Getting 13 million Guaranteed this year and a Superbowl: Who's to doubt that the Vikings aren't the favorites for the Superbowl this year if we reacquired Favre, not certainly the Saints [lucky bastards]!
We have no holes in our roster, [except back-up quarterback], and our defense and offensive lines combined are the highest paid, most talented lines in the NFL.Brett can , and still can win a Superbowl if he banishes his impulsive action.
4. His wife renewed her Lifetime Fitness Subscription In Minneapolis: Certainly this is more concrete evidence that Brett is staying in Minnesota and playing with the Vikings than the legitimacy of Brett Favre Saying he's retired. I mean, why else would Deanna renew her subscription? People from the Deep South, as Brett and Deanna are, don't just switch lifestyles to the Midwest and the freezing,snowy conditions for nothing.
5. His teammates will talk him out of it, or he'll realize what he still has in Minnesota: Ryan Longwell, AP, Childress, and all of his friends in the NFL will be sending him texts telling him how good he still is and how they hate to see him go and he'll flop his intent and return to the Vikings.
6. Brett Favre Is Too Good To Retire: C'mon he just came off his statistically Best Season! The man had 32 touchdowns and a 67.5 % complete Percentage. He never had a better season than in 2009, he can't be completely down with his decision even if that's his feeling right now.
7. Bret Favre Is Impulsive: Brett Favre is a guy who lives in the moment. Do you think he actually compared all of the intangibles and opportunities he has or did he just wake up with a stiff ankle and decide in a rush of despair, I can't play this year! He never gave a press conference like the other two times, doesn't that sound odd.
8. He never gave a press conference or his word: The Two previous retirement announcements, he declared it live on television. Adding to this fact, he never told Childress or any of his teammates or friends that He's retiring. Just some unofficial text message to the Media.
9. No Video or tangible evidence. I don't see anybody confirming this announcement.
10. Brett is Unpredictable: We will never know until T-jack steps onto the field under center vs the Saints in the 1st regular season game of the year.
1. Integrate a blog or web-shop into your pages. This will give you money and something that people can link to on your face-book page.Make a blog about Halo Reach, your favorite designers, your favorite sports players, the most popular jobs, funny jokes, info on a topic, the list is endless. In addition, a great way to make money on your facebook page is to make an Amazon A-Store, like I have below update number two. All of your friends and followers can shop on your personal facebook account and earn you some money!! Let me tell you, this is my secret to making money online. Social Mass Media Sites. There is about 10 million people with accounts on these sites so the traffic and needs of people are endless. So go to:
2. The Second Way to customize your Facebook page is to put a few lists, blogs, websites, or business information pertaining to you. For example, a list of your likes and dislikes, a blog about the Minnesota Vikings, a list of your favorite websites on the Internet, or where you work and your lifetime goals. This shows your personality and really gets people to know what you are like by knowing what your interests and likes are. Personalize your page by putting one of these websites on there:
Update your Facebook status with a Chuck Norris like joke. We've all heard Chuck Norris jokes, so why not use one as your Facebook status. You can humor your friends by updating your Facebook status with a ridiculous statement like those used in Chuck Norris jokes. Below are a few...!!
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.
He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
4. Write about your favorite sports team[griping or appraising], share your favorite/secret recipe, give updates on what you're looking forward to in your day or week. People like when you share your opinion or what you know. This gives them a viable connection to you through what you share or have in common. I know that when I started a Adrian Peterson, Brett Favre, Diet Coke The Silent Assassin, and my favorite online game with my friends on Facebook ,that they all appreciated it and gave me their opinions and favor in return.
Here's some examples of blogs that will really connect you with your friends, through a forum to chat or topic to always talk about:
If you want to have a little fun and possibly create some drama on Facebook, you can change your personal information on Facebook. Here are a few examples of this...
1. Keep changing your birthday to the next day and see who keeps wishing you a happy birthday and who catches on.
2. Choose a strange political party as your "political view".
3. Choose a strange religion as your "religious view".
4. Change your relationship status to see who freaks out about it. NOTE: this is probably not wise if you are actually in a relationship.
5. Selected married as your relationship status and choose one of your friends, they will have to confirm it, so in essence you are proposing to them.
6. Under "contact information" change your location to somewhere exotic or strange, so it appears as though you have moved to this place.
7. In your sex/gender put "gay." See how your close friends react.
6. Put a picture of your favorite sports athlete, trophy[Lombardi trophy] or pet as your background: This will give your page an exotic look to it. Go to Google images and right click on an image to set it as your browser's background. Copy the image location and save it to Microsoft word, or a text editor. Now upload the picture to your Facebook page by using the "image location."
7. Captivate Your Friends : Take sexy or funny pictures of yourself with your web-cam. Web-cams cost only ten dollars and can be found at this location for even less than 10 dollars.
Show off your new clothes, fashion, or favorite clothes by throwing on a new sweater, dress, or blouse. Express yourself through your physical image This can earn you a lot of opposite sex followers and friends if you show your fun side. People love to see the quirky sides of others, show yourself off!
Your Facebook status is a chance for you to make your friends laugh at a funny Facebook status. Below is a few examples of funny Facebook statuses that you could use to update your Facebook status.
...is wondering why driveways are driveways and parkways are parkways when you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.
...is wondering who Burger King's queen is.
...is wondering who Dairy Queen's king is.
...is wondering if Burger King is king and Dairy Queen is queen, who is the prince?
...is listening to the radio to see what is on TV.
...is imagining a world where green means stop and red means go.
...is playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Laden, wow he is good at this game.
...is like annoyed by like people that like use the word like like all the time when they like talk.
...is wondering if anyone has actually sailed the seven seas.
Here is an idea for you, update your status with a random question, and see what your friends responses are. Below are a few examples of random questions you could post as your status.
"How would you describe me in one word?"
"What is your first memory of me?"
"When was the last time I saw you?"
"What would be a good nickname for me?"
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Why does sally sell seashells by the seashore?"
"Who will you miss the most: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, or Steve McNair?"
Here is a list of funny Facebook status updates. Update your Facebook status with these funny Facebook status updates and enjoy :)
...enjoys talking in third person way too much.
...is updating his status to let you know his status is that he has no status.
...is getting behind early so he has plenty of time to catch up.
...is wondering why the chicken actually crossed the road. WHY?
...is eliminating, removing, and getting rid of redundancy in his life.
...that's what she said.
...is thinking about how everyone seems to have their face in a book but no one seems to be reading much anymore.
...is glad Facebook does not have a 140 character limit like Twitter, because sometimes i can just ramble on and on about nothing, i mean i will be talking about something one minute and then something completely different the next.
...is wondering if i will get a notification if i like my own status. Lets find out.
...says that all of his true friends will like this status. Are you his true friend?
...is putting a quote as his status- "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is" -Bill Clinton.
Have you ever wondered what your IQ is? Well facebook has an application where you can take an IQ test and find out what your actual IQ is. You can then compare your IQ with your friends' IQs and see who is naturally smarter.
